If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize