I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
