On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
