just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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