worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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