And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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