there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
