remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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