I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
