my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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