Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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