Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would ride that face into the sunset
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
