we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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