it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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