god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize