I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
