I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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