Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
