Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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