I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
