I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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