wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
