They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the day after is always just damage control
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
