It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
