He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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