just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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