Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
