The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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