my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
