i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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