The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dear god my vagina.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
