I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
