the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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