dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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