I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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