I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
