I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize