I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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