it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
