can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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