I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
