Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
