I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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