I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
