We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
