and she was petting her beer can
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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