Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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