Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
