I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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