I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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