you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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