i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
