White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
