Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize