i would punch a child for taco bell
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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