My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
