I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
