dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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